permission to be disappointed
We can't grow, as human beings, as lovers of God and as followers of Christ, if we can't learn to accept what is. There is a profound satisfaction and a deep sense of doing God's will when we can accept what is. Especially when "what is" is NOT what we wanted.
High needs kids, or kids during high needs phases in their life need opportunities to grow in acceptance. Forcing them to accept things, cajoling them to accept things, buffering them from the need to accept things does not respect the free will that God gave them.
To high needs, high maintenance, hard to manage kids...the world is a place of bitter disappointment on an ongoing basis. When I was first told that my "high needs child" needed to PRACTICE being disappointed, I was aghast at the thought.
I did not believe this could be an effective tool.
But within two or three weeks of "practicing" coupled with the practice of actively connecting, our lives were transformed. Oh yes, she was certainly a child with a lot of needs. But she was learning very quickly, that she had it in her to handle disappointment.
Here are some things we learned:
ALLOW THE CHILD TO BE DISAPPOINTED
There are so many opportunities in the day of a busy mother to disappoint your child. Of course none of it is intentional, but my goodness. All the toys and snacks that they could NOT have at the exact moment they want them. All of the cereals and suggested snack food that you DON'T have in your cupboard. All the moments when you could possibly need them to wait thirty seconds to two minutes longer than they might want to wait. Oh, I am a bottomless pit of disappointing moments for my children. It is great practice to be able to handle frustration (for both mom and child) to just spend short bits of time waiting for their needs to be met.
"I'll just wash my hands, then I can read you that story."
"After I unload the dishwasher, I'll cut you up that apple."
"Jonah is going to play with that for five minutes, then it can be your turn."
These moments are truly the wealth of opportunities to strengthen children. It builds them up to know the CAN wait. Or share. Or not understand something.
MODEL THE BEHAVIOUR OF SELF CONTROL THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE THE END RESULT
No one is a perfect model, but it should be the goal. 'Nuff said.
ALLOW THEM TO BE FRUSTRATED
Regardless of what the frustration is about. It doesn't matter.
Don't ask the child to be patient. Or not to be rude. Or not to cry or flip out or throw themselves on the floor and kick and scream. They are cutting through the slash of unchartered territory here, and we have to let them know that hitting the wall can come hard or come easy, but they can and will handle it. They will get it. And nine times out of ten, after the tears and the struggle and the deep emotional pain of waiting five minutes for their apple to be cut up, they will come to you, apologize and be calm. If we just let them be. In the middle of the upset, we can say, "Wow, this is a tough thing. Do you need me to hold you?" They just need to know that you aren't going to lose your cool.
DON'T BUFFER THEM
The more little disappointments and frustrations they are allowed to experience, the more quickly they will handle themselves. It is a miracle, honestly. I watched it happen before my very eyes. Do not make concessions. They do not need a What's Behind Door Number Two. "If this is really sad for you, maybe we can do this instead." They need to know we believe they can handle it. Once the upset is over, it is okay to then divert..."Wow, this was a very big deal, but look at you! You were so disappointed and now you are okay...you are growing up so much to handle that hard thing! Let's go cuddle and read a story for a while."
Love your babies, mamas.
June 24, 2013
