the first joke, alice

My children would appreciate my introducing them.  To no one in particular.  The first joke, Alice, suffers from depression.  Actually.  Clinically.  She is 23 years old, and that is almost a guarantee of being depressed if you aren't in love. The trouble with being depressed and loving God deeply, so far as I can tell as a mom, is that there is a lot of guilt around feeling despair.  To know so much about God and who He is and have a strong faith in Him but that faith is challenged daily by the chemical demons in your brain is frustrating.  I believe she feels that she is constantly disappointing God.

Now considering God is so much more loving, merciful and understanding than I am, I doubt He's disappointed, because I am not.  Frustrated, sometimes.   Yes, indeedy.  At my lack of ability to make her better; make her happy.   I am pretty capable in most areas of my life, but in this, my hands are tied behind my back.  I am rendered useless, in a material way.

With each of my children, there is a joy and there is pain.  I feel for them, I want for them.  I try to give them what I have, or what I believe will serve them well.  What they need that I don't have to give must come from the grace of God, so I am left to pray that He will fill in all the cracks of the fallen world so they can know Him and love Him with abandonment.

So I feed her and care for her. I pray and fast.  And enjoy the good moments that come in between the difficult ones.  To hear her laugh is truly one of my favourite sounds.