get off your butt parenting
There is a website that I came across a couple of years ago that I wish I had available to me when I was raising small kids. It’s an old website, and not very functional, but the wisdom there is fantastic. I want to bring you some quotes from the author (who I can neither find nor reach but I will keep trying!) and put them here so they don’t get lost in cyber-land.
This quote (from the website author, Joanne Davidson) has been adapted slightly to make more sense in a borrowed context:
“Tools vary, often according to the personality of the child. Effective discipline is characterized by using proactive tools to create a positive family atmosphere and it uses kind and firm ways to enforce rules. It understands age appropriate behaviors and doesn't punish for them. Instead, a parent will stop the inappropriate behavior and teach an appropriate behavior in its place. A family will work actively with their children to develop self control, while enforcing reasonable boundaries of behavior.
Because it is kind, respectful and firm, children are shown respect and are taught tools for managing their behavior. A parent partners with the child to teach them life skills and to help develop the habits of self control.
Let's be honest, and above all, practical. Quality discipline combines knowledge of age appropriate behaviors, reasonable standards, clear expectations, proactive discipline and consistency. Anything less is not effective discipline. Let's remove the "extremes" of how the discipline pendulum swings: from the heavily punitive parenting in which parents punish and fail to teach positively, to the pleading, requesting, passive parenting in which parents never establish or enforce rules of conduct.
In the middle is the parent who says "stop that" or "do this" and makes it happen. In the middle is the parent who looks at the toddler on the dining room table and removes them while also thinking "This child likes to climb. How can I make that happen safely?" That middle parent may or may not punish. But that (effective) parent takes both a proactive approach and a responsive approach to the discipline challenges they face.
As you practice these skills I believe (and certainly expect) that you’ll see the “need” for punishment diminish or disappear entirely.”